| Hi Keith,
I'm studying to be an Animal Chiropractor and was wondering if I could
practice on you?
Regards,
Quei
Hi Quei thanks for your letter.
To be completely honest I have never been much of a fan of chiropractic practice.
The only joint I have ever cracked is a fat.
Keith
Dear Keith,
I need some kangaroo advice. Last weekend we went to Sweden - and bought 3.5 kg of kangaroo meat. This weekend we have invited 12 friends for dinner, but how do we prepare Skippy? - And have you got any favourite dishes we can serve with kangaroo meat?
Mona , Norway
Hello Mona,
One of my favourite ways to cook kangaroo, my own personal recipe. Firstly tenderly massage the kangaroo meat with the front panel of an automobile travelling at about 150 km/h. Lightly Sear the beef on the front radiator for about a 40 minute to 2 hour drive. Then delicately select cooked portions from the front and undercarriage of the car, with a fork or chopstick. No sidedish necessary, cooked to perfection!
Pride
Keithy me old mate i am just writing to tell you how proud i am of you to
finally stand up and be counted. You cant be a carpet all your life and let
people walk all over you the whole time. It is very brave of you to finally
realise your true inner self and come out as the lion that you really are.
Backing you all the way mate.
d
Glad to hear your backing me all the way d, I wouldnt go into a toilet in oxford street without you.
Dear Keith,
thanks for your last advice. Although it wasn't taken (obeyed), I'll keep your concern in mind if it all goes to hell.
Now for my question (not unrelated to my ongoing and increasingly pleasing relationship): why are women attracted to the television set when there's reality tv playing? (My best guess is that their genetical predisposition for hours of smalltalk and gossip in the stone age camp is grossly understimulated in our oh so efficient and goal oriented society. I might be wrong, though.)
Magne, Trondheim
Hi Magne, Yes you’re not so far off the mark there. Through widespread and extensive research, a rare gene in has been discovered in women. The rare gene is allergic to exposure to ‘News and Current Affairs’, while at the same time displaying an obsession for Reality TV. Attempts to remove this gene so intelligent conversation could resume have so far been unsuccessful. We can only hope that in the future someday a cure can be found.
Dear Keith,
Long time reader first time writer. Really appreciate what you are doing.
Have been suffering nasty withdrawals from trying to stop smoking. Girlfriend very pleased have stopped but I just don't feel cool anymore. What do you suggest?
Uncool, Sydney
Hi Uncool,
Yes I know what you mean. There is nothing cooler than Smoking, hitting the town in the lastest fashions in Iron Lung from Paris. Losing limbs to gangrene or a leisurely premature death from cancer.
(sigh) HOWEVER sometimes you have to make sacrifices to keep our girlfriends happy. Good luck with giving up though.
As to feeling uncool, you could always go out without a jumper.
Hey Keith,
Why are those fluffy gobs of lint I periodically pull from my navel always the same bluey-grey color?
Confused,
Dan
South Carolina
Hi Dan
Theories about the blue-grey color include the color of laundry detergent, the colour of clothing dyes and the presence of urea in sweat. We NOW know, however, that lint is mined from our navels by the Lint Goblins, where in their far away homeland of Lintopia, it is more revered than Gold. The bluer the lint the more profits back in Lintopia.
Dear Keith,
It 5am local time and I'm in the Prestige Lounge at KLIA and wondering, should I watch Tom Hanks in The Terminal on TV?, have a shower and a massage?, or just get straight into the free Carlsberg on tap?
I am unable to make such an improtant decision so shall await your advice,
Lonesome travelller
Hi Lonesome, I would slog down SO much FREE Carlsberg so that I would actually contemplate getting a massage by Tom Hanks in the shower. Hope you enjoy your trip.
Keith
Firstly, love your help column, read it all the time, though you do tend to attract some freaks!
Ok, time to look into your heavy duty clear rubber ball and predict the following:
- Will the Swans win the AFL Flag?
- Will the Eels win the NRL?
- Will Makybe Diva win a third successive Melbourne Cup?
- What numbers should I pick in Powerball because mine are crap?
- Will Bert Newton every be able to get that makeup build up off his face?
Sorry about the last question, it just really bothers me! Thanks Keith, I really need to know!
Chris M, Sydney
Hi Chris,
and thanks for expressing your concerns about Mark, your not alone there buddy! Im sure the guild have him under VERY close observation.
- If Barry Hall keeps laying out the biffo like that, i dont see why not. Maybe they should let him play with a hangun. Just to mix it up a bit.
- Wheel Pricey out of retirement, and they are a shoe-in!
- Hell! Everyone knows gambling has always been the smart way to make money...my advice put the house on her.
- Here are next weeks winning numbers, grab a pen...
Ready...1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 with a supplementry No.1. .....Then again I am a dog and can only count to one. :(
- Bert Newton? YE GODS! I thought that was a Lunar eclipse? He must be stopped! Send in Barry Hall with a handgun.
|
Dear Keith,
I have a very embrassing situation, and i cant find a way around it. My father (who will remain
anonymous). has a liking for Poodles. He has had many over the years. And loves them to death.
The problem being that he is slowly loosing his mind, and now talks to the poodle as if he was human. Please Help me keith! Should i shoot the dog or my father??
kind regards
anonymous
Shoot them both! Leave the pistol in the dogs paw! So it looks like a murder suicide. But you didn’t hear it here. OK.
Dear Keith,
Why do u walk with a limp
Mick, Sydney
Listen buddy, if you had to carry around as much equipment around as I do! You'd have a Limp as well.
Dear keith,
What is this the"'thesis of Space-Time Continuum" that i keep hearing about?
Daniel, via email
Well Daniel, Space-Time Continuum is actually a new style of stretch denim. In fact I was wearing a pair only the other week, nice and snug around the bum they were. Unfortunately through the night I bent over I bit far, created a small tear in the fabric of space-time itself. Anyway, I still managed to win the dance competition with one leg in a parallel universe.
Dear Keith,
where do my left socks go?
Phil, via email
Hi Phil, the answer is simple, It is actually a little know fact that left socks will slowly make their way back to their home planet "Leftsockopia", slipping away in wormholes in space, back home where theyknow that they can lead the sock eqivalent of a good life.
hi keith!
as you possibly know, i'm 29 years old. the other day i found myself, all of a sudden,
dating a 21-year old girl. although she is EXTREMELY mature, i still worry that the age
difference will be a problem. should i? (worry, i mean.)
cheers
Magne, Trondheim Norway
Hi Magne, now let me get this straight, you are 29 and you lovely new friend is 21. In DOG YEARS Magne that makes you 203 and your girlfriend 147....that's a 56 year age gap! It might be all fun and games in the honeymoon stage Magne but that wears off soon enough. Id break it off Magne as this relationship is obviously doomed.
Hi Keith,
My name is Mudgka I'm a four year white chinchilla and I have a younger brother called
Duci and he likes to try to mount me. I find this very annoying and he needs to get the
chop but my Dad refuses to because he is scared he will loose his man hood.
I need some advice.
Thank you
Mudgka , Tweed Heads NSW
This is a very common problem for the Dad or owner, they feel that perhaps if their pet gets the chop then in some way it may affect their own manhood. My advice Give the dad the chop. Thank the lord I still have my back wheels.
Keiffy boy,
well woof to you.
Please help.....I have this really annoying dog down the road that barks through the night and don't know what to do?
Keith I was hoping you might be able to help, the dog was saying something like woof bark, bark woof woof, but have no idea as to what it might mean.
This kind of woofing was reapeated many times over for about 3 hours.
Please help and i'll give you a chicken wing next time i see you
woof woof
Allan, Sydney NSW
yes translated woof bark, bark woof woof means "HeyAllan, you left your headlights on again!"
Vedr Barbering hver sommer
Hei Keith, hvordan liker du å bli barbert hver sommer?
MVH
En som fryser balla av seg etter en skitur i -12 grader
Trygve, Orkdal Norway
(Hi Keith, How do you like being shaved every summer?
Best regards from one who freezing after skiing in -12)
Hi Trygve and thanks for you question. Apart from looking damn sexy with my new summer look and keeping me cool through the summer months...the'Lay-Dees' love it.
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